dot hack CENSORED
by aromatic-grass
Summary: What exactly happened after .hackGIFT? When the Key of the Twilight goes missing and the insane gifty group are the only ones to save The World, it makes you wonder just what's gonna happen...
1. Confessions and a MiniPiros

It begins at the hot springs, where .hack/gift left us. Three certain player characters were caught.  
Mimiru and BT yelling at Crim: What the hell were you doing? -Mimiru is beating Crim with her baseball bat-  
Crim: I - ow - the truth is - ow... stop - i am gay. It was Sora's idea - ow- the truth is, i am really gay.  
- Everyone looks at Crim, shocked, and then to Sora - BT: You little pervert!  
Sora: I'm outta here. BOING! -he flies away on puppet strings-  
Meanwhile, Subaru is beating the living crap out of Ginkan.  
Subaru is still nude: YOU FUCKER! -beats-  
Ginkan: oww... Subaru-sama... somehow i am enjoying this... oops.  
Subaru: WHAT DID YOU SAY? -kicks his ass even harder-  
Meanwhile... somewhere else at the hot springs... Elk is crying in Tsukasa's arms. Elk: And then... -sob- Mia raped me... -cries-  
Tsukasa: There, there, buddy, its ok... -pats-  
Annnnnd... somewhere else... Kite has managed to get up the courage to ask Blackrose out.  
Kite: So... Blackrose... you think sometime maybe we could.  
Piros: HARK!  
-Inside Kite, something snaps-  
Kite twitching: I HAD TO PUT UP WITH YOU THROUGH FOUR FUCKING GAMES! THERE IS NO WAY I CAN STAND ANY MORE OF YOU DURING THIS STUPID PARODY!  
-Kite data drains Piros-  
-Everyone applauds-  
-Mistral and Natsume gate in-  
Mistral: Sorry we're late everyone! We couldn't figure out where it was and Natsume kept running into things! (  
Natsume: -trips and falls into hot springs-  
Mistral sees the data drained Piros which is now a mini-Piros  
Mistral: Oh how cute! -cuddles mini-Piros- YAY:D mini-Piros crying: HARK! HARK! HARK! it sounds all squeeky and even more annoying  
-Suddenly, Helba gates in-  
Helba: Everyone, may i have your attention, please!  
Balmung: Will the real Tsukasa please stand up?  
Tsukasa: -drops Elk and stands up-  
Helba: -ahem- The Key of the Twilight has gone missing!  
-everyone gasps-  
Helba: That's right! We have determined that if we don't find the Key of the Twilight, The World will explode!  
Balmung: -chickenifies and dances around-  
Subaru: -stops beating up Ginkan, who has been dead for quite some time now- Explode?  
Blackrose and Mimiru: Go boom? -they get pissed because they copied each other-  
Helba: Yes, that's right. The World will explode, causing unrepairable damage to all connected servers and terminals.  
Kite: You mean, its going to blow up my computer?  
Helba: Yes, that's correct.  
Mimiru: In that case, screw The World, i'm outta here! -attempts to gate out but fails- Huh?  
Helba: For safety purposes, i have disabled everyone's ability to login or logout.  
Blackrose: Well then, i could just try a hard reset.  
Helba: I wouldn't. At this point, it could potentially put you in a coma.  
Tsukasa: I... I... can't logout... -curls into a fetal position- ...can't logout...can't logout...can't logout.  
Mistral: -drops mini-Piros- Whyyyyyyyyy did i have to come to The World today? (  
mini-Piros: HARK! HARK!  
Helba: Those who manage to find the Key of the Twilight will be rewarded with a.  
Kite: -glances at Mistral nervously- Don't say it!  
Helba: ...rare.  
Blackrose: DON'T!  
Helba: ...item.  
Mistral: -spasms- rare item... -jumps up and down hyperishly- RARE ITEM! RARE ITEM! RARE ITEM! RARE ITEM! RARE ITEM! RARE ITEM! RARE ITEM! RARE ITEM! RARE ITEM! RARE ITEM! RARE ITEM! RARE ITEM! RARE ITEM! RARE ITEM! RARE ITEM! RARE ITEM! RARE ITEM! RARE ITEM! RARE ITEM! RARE ITEM! RARE ITEM! Natsume: -drowning- Excuse me, could someone help me, please? I think this armor is weighing me down and... gulp... -drowning noises-  
Balmung: -dances like a chicken-  
Tsukasa: can't logout...can't logout...can't logout.  
mini-Piros: HARK! HARK! HARK!  
Mistral: RARE ITEM! RARE ITEM! RARE ITEM!  
Kite: -falls over- Please save meeeee! -twitch-  
Orca to Bear: You know, we still haven't said anything.  
Bear: At least I'm Orca. 


	2. Conflicts and a Teddy Bear

Kite: -still twitching- help me...help me.  
Blackrose: -hits kite on the head with her tennis racket- SNAP OUT OF IT! We need to find the Key of the Twilight so stop acting like an idiot and help! Now, was there something you need to tell me?  
Kite: Nothing, Blackrose. It's nothing. poor Kite  
mini-Piros to Kite: HARK! He of fair eyes! My form seems to have changed, so would you like to accompany me on a journey to.  
Kite: I don't think so.  
Mistral: I will:) -swings mini-Piros around- wheeeeeeee:D mini-Piros: He of fair eyes... this may be the last time I see you... so be aware that I didn't make you go to all those dark dungeons for nothing.  
Kite thinking: So it was Piros that kept touching my ass!  
-Mistral and Piros gate out to some random dungeon-  
Blackrose: So... what does the Key of the Twilight look like anyway?  
Kite: -holds up a lugnut-  
Blackrose: That's the Twilight Bracelet, dumbass!  
Meanwhile.  
Tsukasa still in a fetal position: can't logout...can't logout...can't logout.  
Elk: -still crying-  
Subaru: Are they going to be alright?  
Mimiru: -gives Tsukasa a teddy bear-  
Tsukasa: -stops mumbling and clutches teddy- MINE! My precious!  
Subaru: Riiight... -shoves Ginkan's dead mangled body into the hot springs then gates out-  
Mimiru to Blackrose: Hey, bitch, we're going to find the Key of the Twilight first!  
Blackrose: No your not, you idiot!  
Mimiru: At least we know that it's Aura, unlike you who have no idea what your doing!  
Blackrose: HA! Now we know what it is, because your so stupid, you didn't realize that you told!  
Mimiru: At least we know where to find it! BITCH!  
Blackrose: Not if we find it first! WHORE! -grabs Kite and gates out-  
Mimiru: -grabs Elk thinking he is Tsukasa and gates out-  
Orca to Bear: So where do you think we will find the Key of the Twilight?  
Bear: Screw the Key of the Twilight, I want Helba. She is one hot piece of ass!  
Orca: I do agree.  
-they leave in search for Helba-  
Tsukasa: Umm... Mimiru... you left me... -cuddles teddy- At least i have you, precious... 


	3. Violation and Grunty Assault

-Mimiru and Elk gate in to Aura's Domain-  
Mimiru: HEY! Your not Tsukasa!  
Elk: No, not really.  
Mimiru: -grabs baseball bat-  
Elk: Please don't hurt me! Miss Mimiru! -starts crying again-  
Mimiru: SHUT UP! This is so i can knock Aura unconcious. It makes catching Key of the Twilights easier. She's probably on that bed. Why don't you go check?  
Elk: Umm... okay... -walks up to the bed- I don't see her.  
Mia: -pops out from under the covers- HI SEXY! -pins Elk to the bed-  
Meanwhile, in a dungeon somewhere, Mistral is looking for a potion to cure mini-Piros of his height problem. So far, he is turning rainbow colors and his hair is on fire and every step he takes makes a sound like "CHIKALIKALIKA"  
Mistral: -dragging Piros behind her on a leash- Come on, Piros-kun! I'm sure it will be the next potion! Then, maybe we can find the key thingie and get a rare item:D multiply-mutilated-mini-Piros: HARK! Please kill me!  
In Dun Loireag.  
Tsukasa: The Key of the Twilight could be in a root town, right? -makes the teddy nod-  
Grunty: Hey you!  
Tsukasa: Me?  
Grunty: Thats right! Remember me?  
Tsukasa: -remembers and pulls out his flower- Be careful! I'm armed! -holds it out like a weapon-  
Grunty: -rams Tsukasa into a wall- This is for calling me stupid!  
Tsukasa: ow.  
Grunty: -runs into him some more- And this is for making me run into that damn wall!  
Tsukasa: oww.  
Grunty: -again- This is for killing that baby grunty!  
Tsukasa: owww.  
Grunty: -again- And this is for ever coming into an encounter with a grunty!  
Tsukasa: owie.  
This goes on for quite some time  
On a boat in Mac Anu.  
Ginkan resurrected: Why are we always on a boat?  
Subaru: Because there's nothing better to do.  
Ginkan: What about the Key of the Twilight? Shouldn't we be looking for it?  
Subaru: Why don't you go look for it... AND QUIT FUCKING FOLLOWING ME AROUND YOU DAMN STALKER! -chops his head off- 


	4. Searches and a Retarded Grunty

In Hidden Forbidden Holy Ground.  
Kite: Are you sure Aura is here?  
Blackrose: Yes, or why else would i have dragged you here? COME ON!  
-they approach the door, and Skeith appears-  
Kite: Skeith! I thought I defeated you!  
Skeith: Yes, you did, but... I am not defeated anymore! BWAHAHA!  
Blackrose: Since when can you talk?  
Skeith: I... don't know... but now i can! -brings out his weapon which happens to be a frying pan, since this is in parody mode-  
Kite: I'm going to defeat you once and for all!  
Blackrose: That was so lame.  
Kite: Well what the hell else was I suppose to say?  
Skeith: Are you going to attack or what?  
Kite: Oh... right... DATA DR- -Skeith knocks out Kite with his frying pan-  
Kite: -is knocked out-  
Skeith: Fear my wrath!  
Blackrose: THAT PISSES ME OFF! -brings out her tennis racket and starts beating Skeith with it-  
Skeith: -cannot fight back because he is getting the shit beat out of him very badly- Ow... stop... owie.  
Blackrose: -brings her weapon down on Skeith's head forcefully-  
Skeith: THAT'S ENOUGH! You can have the Key of the Twilight, just stop hitting me! -Skeith exits-  
Blackrose: YAY! Now for Aura! -enters the church-  
In Net Slum.  
Orca: -looks around nervously- These Net Slum people are scaring me, Bear.  
Bear: Its ok... I'm right here... hey did you just grab my hand?  
Orca: Umm... sorry.  
Bear to a Net Slum character, which just happens to be Sheraton: Hey, you!  
Sheraton: Yes?  
Bear: Do you know where Helba is?  
Sheraton: I want end.  
Orca: He said, do you know where Helba is?  
Sheraton: Do you have end?  
Bear: I don't think he's telling.  
Orca: Where is Helba, you freak?  
Sheraton: Can someone give me end?  
This continues for quite some time  
In Carmina Gadelica.  
Crim: -walks up to Sora- Hey there.  
Sora: -shaking maracas- I'm busy.  
Crim: You know, we may have had some problems in the past, but I really have feelings for you.  
Sora: Er?  
Crim: -leans in for a kiss-  
Sora: ACK! PEDOPHILE! -sticks maraca in Crim's eye-  
Crim: MY EYE! OH GOD, MY EYE!  
Sora: Foolish. -leaps away-  
In the dungeon... Piros is a small, red-eyed, rainbow-colored grunty, whose hair is on fire, and every step he takes makes a sound like "CHIKALIKALIKA!" and every time he tries to say "HARK", he instead says "PORK"  
Mistral: The next potion, Piros-kun, I'm sure of it:D extremely mutilated Piros: PORK! NO MORE, PLEASE!  
-Gardenia appears-  
Gardenia: .  
Mistral: Yay! Have you seen a potion or a key thingie? )  
Gardenia: .  
extremely mutilated Piros: PORK! SAVE MEEEEE!  
Gardenia: .  
In Aura's Domain.  
Mia: OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHH... ELK!  
Elk: HELP ME!  
Mimiru: -watches in shock- Wow... I didn't know they could do that.  
Hidden Forbidden Holy Ground.  
Blackrose: I found it! It is Aura! -pokes statue-  
Kite is now concious: Umm... Blackrose... that's just a statue.  
Blackrose: It is? We came all this way for nothing! -brings out her tennis racket and starts whacking the statue with it- STUPID-  
Kite: Blackrose.  
Blackrose: PIECE OF SHIT- -whack-  
Kite: BLACKROSE!  
Blackrose: YOUR SUPPOSE TO BE THE FUCKING- -whack-  
-statue crumbles, church starts to tremble-  
Kite: YOU CAN STOP NOW!  
Blackrose: KEY OF THE TWILIGHT! -WHACK-  
-the entire area starts to fall apart-  
Kite: Congradulations, you just destroyed Hidden Forbidden Holy Ground.  
Blackrose: Oh shit.  
Net Slum.  
Bear: Helba!  
Sheraton: End!  
Orca: HELBA!  
Sheraton: END!  
Bear: You know what, I think he's just not going to talk.  
Orca: Yeah, I give up, let's go.  
-they leave-  
Helba: -appears- Thanks for getting rid of those dumbasses, Sheraton -slips him 5000 GP-  
Sheraton: Do you have end? 


	5. Apocolypse and a Flock of Dumbasses

In the dungeon.  
still-very-messed-up-Piros: PORK! Will you help me?  
Gardenia: ... -gives Piros a potion-  
Piros: -drinks the potion and returns to normal, but is now pink- I'M PINK! THANK GOD I'M PINK!  
Gardenia: That color suits you well. -disappears-  
Mistral: Yay for Piros-kun :D -glomps Piros-  
Piros: Nooooo! Get her away from me! -runs screaming out of the dungeon-  
Everyone recieves a flash mail:  
The World will soon terminate. Everyone return to the hot springs for more information. Thank you for playing.  
Hot springs.  
Crim: But Sora... I love you... HOLY SHIT! MY OTHER EYE!  
Balmung: -dancing around like a chicken- Its the end of The World... and i didn't get to say much during this story.  
Tsukasa: -soaking in hot springs- Pain... pain... I need to relax.  
Mimiru: -sigh- I've searched, but just to end up here again.  
Tsukasa: Where's elk?  
Mimiru: You don't want to know... man, how long have they been doing it?  
Tsukasa: What's that, Mimiru?  
Mimiru: Nothing.  
Kite: So, Blackrose, I've been meaning to tell you-  
Helba: -appears- I see that you have failed, but-  
Bear: Hey, Helba, will you marry me?  
Orca: No, she's going to marry ME first!  
Bear: No me!  
Orca: NO ME!  
-catfight-  
Helba: IDIOTS! You two are the most incompetent fools I have ever had the misfortune to meet! Besides, I'm with Lios.  
-Bear and Orca look disappointed-  
Helba: As I was saying... the Key of the Twilight is among us!  
-everyone looks shocked, then they start to search frantically; before long, all attention is directed toward a calm and friendly conversation going on in the shallow end of the hot springs-  
Natsume: You area very nice person to talk to!  
Aura: -giggle-  
Tsukasa: That's her! Aura, Key of the Twilight.  
Mistral: -thinks- Key of the Twilight rare item... -runs up to Aura and grabs her- RARE ITEM! RARE ITEM! RARE ITEM! RARE ITEM! RARE ITEM!  
Aura: -bites Mistral-  
Mistral: Ouchies! (  
Aura: This is why I wanted to get away from you idiots. I just wanted some time to myself in the hot springs without being bothered by your annoyances. I seriously hate each and every one of you. From the time that you entered The World.  
--flashback-- Aura: Take this book. The power it holds can bring forth either salvation or destruction at the whim of the user.  
Kite: I can't take it. It belong to Orca.  
Orca: Yeah,but i'm about to die. So you have to take it.  
Kite: Bullshit! It's your responsibility, not mine,Yasuhiko!  
Orca: I told you not to call me that here!  
Kite: Whatever! Just take the stupid whatever book and use it to do whatever it does!  
Aura: The power it holds can bring either salva-  
Kite: SHUT UP! Orca,just take the damn book, ass-wipe!  
-Orca gets Data Drained-  
Kite: Oh,you've already made other plans. That's convienient! Fine,give me the fucking book!  
Aura: The power it holds-  
Kite: SHUT YOUR DAMN MOUTH! --end flashback-  
Aura: YOU ARE ALL A BUNCH OF FUCKERS!  
-everyone is shocked and insulted-  
Mistral: Yay what do I win:D Aura: -smacks forehead-  
Helba: Technically, Natsume found the Key of the Twilight first, so she gets the item.  
Mistral: Grrrrr... (  
Helba: Um... you can have this as a... runner-up prize. -gives aromatic grass-  
Mistral: Aromatic grass/  
Helba: Its... er... RARE aromatic grass.  
Mistral: Wheeeee:D Helba: Natsume, for your prize, you may have anything in The World.  
Natsume: Well... I can't see good... that's why I didn't know it was Aura.  
Helba: Have you tried opening your eyes?  
Natsume: Oh! I never thought of that! -opens eyes- That's much better!  
Everyone: -sweatdrop-  
Subaru: So... now what?  
Ginkan: Hot springs!  
Subaru: -chops up Ginkan-  
Crim: I really do love you, Sora! NO, NOT THERE! OWWWWW.  
Kite: Blackrose, I wanted to tell you that-  
Blackrose: -kisses Kite-  
-Kite and Blackrose start making out-  
Bear: -looks at Kite and Blackrose- What the hell... -starts making out with Orca-  
-Mia and Elk gate in-  
Mimiru: Your finished?  
Elk: Shut up.  
Mia: -sniffs the air- Aromatic grass? AROMATIC GRASS AROMATIC GRASS AROMATIC GRASS! -runs up to Mistral and steals her aromatic grass-  
Mistral: Nooooo! My rare item:( -without her aromatic grass, has gone back to thinking 'Key of the Twilight rare item' and is clinging to Aura-  
Aura: I feel violated.  
Helba: Attention! I have determined that The World may explode anyway... it's all up to the Key of the Twilight!  
Aura: Please die.  
The World: -explodes-  
.hack is fucked 


End file.
